10 Ways to Revitalize Your Marriage and Rediscover Your Partner

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Elizabeth Hekimian-Williams, LMHC

Many of us spend countless hours maintaining our homes, our cars, and our bodies. Unfortunately, too many people neglect the most important asset they have…their marriages. To boost your marriage, learn some ways to rediscover your partner and revitalize your marriage.

With nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, it is important to take a look at what is going wrong. Too often, marriages fail because the people involved have forgotten what made the relationship great in the beginning. If you want to revitalize your marriage and keep it healthy and happy, follow these simple tips every day to keep the love alive:

1. Share memories – Rough spots are normal in any marriage. How you deal with these rough times, however, can make or break your relationship. When things get rough, have a quiet dinner where you discuss nothing with your partner but happy memories you have shared. It is especially useful to talk about when you met and fell in love. Let the happy memories and feelings take the place of any negativity.

2. Be thankful – Many people make the mistake of falling into a rut. They begin taking things for granted and forget to be thankful for the little things. Every time your partner does something for you, regardless of how small, take a moment to say thank you.

3. Make your spouse happy – Try to do at least one little thing every day that is for the sole purpose of making your spouse happy. Even a kind word or sincere compliment can go a long way toward making a bad day brighter.

4. Be honest – Small lies and omissions erode trust over the years. To avoid this damage to your marriage, make sure you are honest with one another every day about everything.

5. Share leisure time – While it is vital for you and your spouse to have their own separate interests and activities, don’t get so caught up in your own lives that you neglect your life together. Make sure there is at least one leisure activity that the two of you enjoy together on a regular basis.

6. Work as a team – Independence is great, but make sure you and your spouse turn to each other for advice and guidance. Solving problems together will make you both feel more valued and will strengthen your bond.

7. Woo your spouse – Remember the things you did to show love when you were dating your spouse? Marriage is not a reason to stop those things. Instead, you should continue making romantic gestures and constantly working to win your spouse’s love.

8. Keep yourself up – It can be extremely easy to let your appearance go once you are married. This is a tragic mistake, however, since physical attraction is an important part of love. Keep yourself in shape and take pride in your appearance so your spouse will keep coming back for more.

9. Touch often – Regardless of how busy or tired you are, make time for sex and cuddling. Do not discuss your problems in the bedroom. Keep that area sacred for love and intimacy only. It is also important to make sure that you touch your partner often. Even a kiss on the cheek when you meet in the kitchen will keep that spark alive.

10. Keep perspective – No opportunity is too small to make your partner feel loved and cherished. At the same time, most problems that seem big are miniscule when compared to the value of your love. Keep your eye on what is truly important and take steps to promote the positives and to minimize the negatives.

Instead of allowing your marriage to wither and die from lack of care, make sure to feed the fire everyday by showing love, affection and by always treating your spouse like the most important person in your life. If your marriage is already suffering from neglect, it may take some time to bring it back to life. If you are just embarking on a new marriage, begin a great new habit of incorporating these elements into your marriage from day 1. You will find that when you actively pour yourself into the relationship, your partner will gravitate toward you and the love you have will grow stronger than ever.

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Starting a Conversation with Your Spouse

Posted on September 2, 2015 by Elizabeth Hekimian-Williams, LMHC

Has starting a conversation with your spouse become a challenge lately?

Even though you generally think you have good communication with him or her, there may be times when your communication doesn’t seem to flow as easily or the occasional silence doesn’t seem as comfortable as it once was.

So what can you do to stimulate a good conversation with your spouse?

Here are some ideas to get your communication flowing again.

Ask what was the best part of their day while they were away from you (for example, if they were away at work)
Ask about the worse part of their day
Read up on several news items of the day or some trending topic or report on social media and share some interesting information about one or more of those stories with a follow-up question such as “What do you think about that?”
Research and give a few ideas for activities to do together this coming week, weekend, or month, and see what they think about those ideas. Also, ask them if they have any other ideas and which one or two would be their top picks from among the choices.
Ask something about one of their family members- For example, “Have you spoken with your mom (or your brother) recently? What is she up to?” Also share some observations, opinions, or ideas related to the topics brought up about that relative and any issues they are going through.
Tell your spouse you want to plan to have a nice dinner together so you want their input on either what type of food and/or which restaurant they’d like to go to, or, what type of food they’d like to have for the menu of a make-at-home dinner. Work out specifics of where, when, who’s cooking, who’s making the list, who’s shopping for the ingredients, for whatever the case may be.
Bring up a minor to moderate problem for a problem-solving brainstorming session. Think of something you’d like to try to address together and ask your partner if they’d be willing to toss around some ideas and potential solutions so you can both find a resolution for that problem.
Use some conversation starter, such as: “If you were going to be stuck on a deserted island, what is the one thing you would have to take that you cannot live without (besides me!), or what is the one type of food you would want to have there that you would not want to live without,” or, “If it was our 30^th anniversary next year, where do you think we should go for a fabulous anniversary trip?”
Or try: “I miss hearing your voice. Can you sing to me or tell me a funny story from your week or something you read online?” If you have a wise guy in your life, he might just reply: “Yeah, my funny story was when my wife asked me, the guy who can’t carry a tune, to sing to her! Isn’t that hysterical?” But hey, at least you would have jump started some talking!
Tell about your latest activity or hobby you’ve done (your workout at the gym, latest book you’ve read, encounters during your online gaming or bicycle ride) and then ask about your partner to tell you more about how their recent hobby or activity.

Remember that even if the talking fizzles out quickly, every day brings more ideas and more opportunities to begin a conversation. Be mindful of trending topics in the family, in your lives, and out in the world, so you can continue to take advantage of opportunities to engage your partner in lively conversation and keep your communication strong throughout your marriage.

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How to Become a Great Step-parent

Posted on August 6, 2015 by Elizabeth Hekimian-Williams, LMHC

Becoming a step-parent is one of the most challenging situations that an adult can face. Developing a good relationship with your new stepchildren doesn’t happen overnight, and it often doesn’t occur unless you put in considerable thought, preparation, and hard work. While the transition may not be easy, there are several measures that you can take in learning how to become a great step-parent and growing into your new role.

Deal with the “You’re Not My Parent” Argument Right Away

Regardless of the age of your stepchildren, it is inevitable that this conversation will be brought up. When you receive this response from your stepchild, be clear and confident about your role in the family. Let the child know that you are aware that you are not his or her parent. Let the child know you do not intend to replace their biological parent. However, if a biological parent is not available to handle a situation in which a rule has been overstepped, it is important to exert your authority as an adult that is in charge. Discuss your intentions and ideas about this with your partner who is the child’s biological parent first, to agree on parameters of your parenting involvement and to avoid conflicts with your partner. Both of you should have a united approach towards parenting the children for the best parenting results as well as marital harmony.

Be Realistic with Your Relationship Expectations

You should not go into your new step-parent role expecting instant love and attachment, as these feelings take time to develop. Instead, begin your relationship on the foundation of respect. Exemplify respectful behavior toward your stepchildren, and let them know that you expect to be treated the same way. Avoid making negative or derogatory comments regarding the absent biological parent in order to encourage trust with your stepchildren.

Spend Time with Each Child Individually

Although a group identity is essential for becoming a family, it is also important to spend one-on-one time with each of your stepchildren in order to develop a positive relationship. Make time to spend alone together, and try to get into your stepchild’s world. Consider driving your stepchild to school or volunteering with the child’s extracurricular activities in order to get this alone time.

Be a Cheerleader

As a step-parent, it is important that you support your stepchild in all of their endeavors, including school projects, sporting events, dreams, goals, and ambitions. Go to as many school functions or activities as possible that you are invited to attend, but ensure that you are respectful to the biological parent during these events. Acknowledge the struggles and efforts that your stepchild experiences, and work to be a good role model. Your stepchild will begin to learn to rely on you and will trust your feedback over time.

Focus on Having a Successful Marriage

Your marriage is the most vulnerable relationship in your home. While you may feel selfish at times, it is important to do what is necessary to ensure that your marriage remains strong, not only for you as adults, but also for your family. Guard your alone time, as a couple. Talk about issues that you may be experiencing regarding the stress of your role as step-parent and problem solve to address any issues together. Eventually, your children and stepchildren will likely model your loving and respectful marriage in their own relationships as adults.

Taking on the role of a stepparent is a challenging endeavor that will likely have its bumps along the way. By putting in effort with your new family to forge positive relationships, you will be on your way to becoming a great step-parent.

This is the Time for New Year’s Relationship Resolutions

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Elizabeth Hekimian-Williams, LMHC

Couples can set New Year’s relationship resolutions together

This is the time. This the end-of-the-year, beginning-of-a-New-Year time when people reflect on their past and their future. They make resolutions with new goals, ambitions and directions for a new year and for their future. Often we consider these to be personal/individual. However, we invite you to consider including New Year’s relationship resolutions too. These would be new goals, ambitions and directions for your relationship and for your marriage. Doing this can help you keep your relationship from stagnating as it keeps you both moving forward with new ideas and renewed energies directed within your relationship. Whether you are engaged and getting married soon, or been married for many years, this is a great time to sit down together and plan next year’s ideas for relationship adjustments or improvements as well as plan for new fun and exciting experiences you can share together. You can also use this time to reflect back in general on your shared past and envisioned future to improve emotional intimacy and strengthen your love bond.

Relationship tune-up plus

Essentially you can use this time of year to do a relationship check-up and tune up- it’s like giving it a boost to boot! Sometimes it may seem awkward or you may feel like “it never seems to be the right time” to discuss such topics with your partner. But, this is the time of year when it’s not only appropriate, it’s expected for you to set New Year’s resolutions. So, it’s the right time, without awkwardness, for you both to share your views and discuss ideas for your New Year together!

Need some conversation starters? Have no clue about what you can adjust or improve in your relationship? Don’t know what new fun or exciting experiences you can have together? Here are some ideas that may directly apply to you or that can inspire you to think of additional ideas for your own relationship.

New goals, adjustments, and improvements in the relationship

Changes with chores for one, the other, or both of you
Changes with physical expressions of love and/or sexual activities – type/frequency/initiation
Changes with time spent together and/or apart/time management
Changes with routines
Changes with child rearing
Changes with financial management/bills/what big ticket items/expenses to save for
Changes with how you treat each other and encourage each other/what, when, how
Changes with an addiction that affects your relationship

New fun or exciting experiences together

Try a new sport together/Take newbie lessons
Decide on a local attraction you both like and get a yearly membership there (some places also offer extra perks like reciprocal discounted or free privileges to other similar type places for the year as well, like other museums or zoos or gardens)
Go to one of your “someday I want to go” places so you can cross one more thing off the list
Join a health club and exercise together
Learn to play the same or different instruments, then jam/play together for fun, or entertain your friends and family
Plan a day trip to explore a new-to-you town or city
Plan a Valentine’s day experience
Plan a visit to far away family members or friends you’re longing to see again
Plan on a monthly fun activity you want to regularly participate in (card game, bowling, biking, sailing, book club?)

Don’t feel like you have to make all sorts of changes and plans. Discussing and setting just a few New Year’s relationship resolutions together each year can be enough to strengthen and grow your relationship. Anything you both agree to and feel excited about will re-invigorate your relationship as you begin to realize more fun, more respect, and a deeper love connection with one another.

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Learn more tips and skills towards realizing a successful marriage at FLPremaritalCourse.com